Being a step-mom

I've been reading the message boards at BonusFamilies.com. Basically instead of calling a step-whoever a step, they are a bonus-whoever. So bonusmom or bonusdad or bonusbrother/sister. Anyways, it has made me think about how to be the best stepmom (or bonusmom) I can be. Whenever Red comes back from her mom's house, it seems like she pulls away from me a bit. Usually by the time she's going over there again she's back to normal.

I mean, we want our house to feel like a good and safe and happy place for Red. I know I'm not her mom, nor am I trying to take over and be her mom. But I am still working on finding that happy medium where she'll listen to me and be respectful but not feel like I'm trying to take the place of her real mom.

Somedays I think we've got this all figured out and that we're doing good with the step-family stuff. But other days I'm not so sure...