My bad habit

I have a problem. And I'm okay with admitting it. My problem is that I read message boards for step-moms. On the surface this seems like an okay and possibly even good thing. I'm reading about other's experiences in hopes of gaining perspective and insight which will help me become a better step-mom.

However, there are some aspects of these message boards that are not a positive influence on my step-parenting. And it all depends on the mood of the board.

Some of them are positive and are all about co-parenting and making sure all the parents are in it for the good of the child. Again with the positiveness. But reading the posts about how they need help with co-parenting makes me realize how far we still have to go. For the most part, our relationship with Red's mom and step-dad is a good one. We don't bad mouth them, they don't bad mouth us (to the best of our knowledge). When there is something going on at one house or the other we mostly try to work it out so Red can enjoy her childhood. There are sometimes when things come up on her mom's weekend and we just have to say no. And I'm sure there are times when things come up on our weekend and they say no. But there are also big issues. Things like education. And where Red will live next year. That we are having a hard time agreeing on and not really sure how to precede but reading other people's account of co-parenting aren't helping because well, they aren't. Mostly they just make me realize that really, we need to sit down and figure out a solution even if it involves mediators or lawyers.

There is another board that I occasionally read that is specifically for step-moms that do not have any biological children. This describes me! It deals with the shift of being childless and then suddenly having a child that is not an infant and did not spend 9 months in your womb. Because it really and truly is different to start out with a 5 yr old vs an infant. But a lot of these women are whiny. They whine about being expected to provide for this child that isn't theirs. They whine about having to deal with them. They whine about their husband's lack of being the main parent all the time. Basically the whine about everything I have just kind of accepted as part of my role in this family. Ruben does not work as explained in other posts which means I provide monetarily for our family. If I were one to think of the money as my money and his money then it would all be my money. But given our circumstances, that is not the way we operate. But these women on this board do think that way. One major discussion over there is why should "I" save "my money" to send "his" child to college. Or why should "I" be expected to pay for "his" child to participate in whatever activity. This is all so very negative to me. And maybe it's because of how I think of it all.

Basically, I don't think that you should designate "his" or "mine" or anything else like that to make it work. Whether it is money or a child, it is yours. This does not mean that I think I am Red's mom. However, while she is with us, she is my responsibility be it financially or emotionally. It is not biological, it is just the way it is. It is part of marrying someone with kids. Because you aren't just marrying the person, you are marrying them and all of their kids. And there will be days when it just doesn't seem worth it and the stress of being a parent will seem to suck the very life from your veins.